Alone

When I was very small I knew I was different from everyone else. I couldn't explain why or how I knew, but I was sure that all of the other people in the world were really two legged monsters, hairy, intelligent apes. When I finally saw The Planet Of The Apes as a teenager I recognized the plastic, domesticated versions of my childhood phobia.

The important thing to realize about these ape-like cave monsters was that they wanted me to think they were human, just like me. I'm not sure WHY they would bother to fool me, why every single being of their kind would want to focus on pulling the wool over my six-year-old eyes, but what mattered more than motive was that it was true. I was sure that, at some point, the monsters would reveal themselves and rip me to pieces.

I would stare out the car window and watch pedestrians crossing the street, on their way to work, to school, to home, absorbed in their own lives and ignorant of my very existance, and I knew that as soon as they turned the corner and were out of my sight they would shed their human skins and laugh about their scheme.

Not one person was exempt from this fantastic phobia. My classmates, my teachers, my parents, my brothers, they were all chosen to be close to me and deceive me, to lure me further into their trap. I was alone.

When I finally saw the movie Truman, I sympathised with the unwitting star of his own reality show. It revived my fears as a child. That movie frightened me more than any other I have every seen.

I don't know why I felt that way. I guess all children have some sort of self-centered fantasy, before they realize they are one of many sentient beings, and that every one of them has their own set of experiences, memories, likes, dislikes, and feelings. But looking back it's funny how things ave changed. These days I imagine that I am invisible. I can walk down the street or down the aisle of a store and no one sees me. My family, my husband, my own children, they all go through the motions, smiling, nodding, but they are just luring me into the beleif that I am important, that I am real, like they are. I am forgotten as soon as I am out of sight.